Keep your vagina to yourself, please.

MANNERS!

Cover your goddamned mouth when you cough!

Seriously!

That one is such a germaphobe she doesn't carry cash - only uses credit! And she just coughs into the air like a heathen! Wtf!

~ colour me disgusted

What would Jesus do?

Imagine - it's your day off and you've been looking forward to sleeping in all week.

Your dude has to work, and has the "endearing" hit-the-snooze-button-for-an-hour malfunction.

You FINALLY drift back to sleep, only to be woken up, 20 minutes later to a startling POUNDING on your front door.

You ignore it.

More POUNDING.

Zzzzzzz

MORE POUNDING.

Confused, and a little panicked, you shuffle, braless, to the front door, where two people are peeking in.

Jesus people.

Jesus, PEOPLE!

"How are you this morning, ma'am?"

"Well, I WAS SLEEPING."

Fuck.

I'm UP.

~fuck, shit, piss, goddamned mother fucker

Guilty conscience

I wrote a post about throwing my budgie at the wall.

And then he died.

Fucking karma.

Once you pop, you can't stop.

Jesus. It is not, for a second, ever, under any circumstances, okay to spend any, especially prolonged, periods of time POPPING YOUR PIMPLES IN AN OPEN CONCEPT OFFICE!

WHAT US WRONG WITH YOU?!

I DON'T NEED TO SEE THAT!

~ zit remedy

Bad face day

What the fuck, face?

Why you gotta be looking' all gnarly and shit?

(I totally sounded like a gangsta there, didn't I?)

But seriously. The 'sunscreen for face' I applied to protect my fair skin from wrinkles resulted in a face so shiny, it looks like "I wash my face... With chocolate bars."

And hair? You're a fucking bastard. Hellooooooo. I just spent $75 on a hair cut and shampoo and conditioner. Where's that glossy mane I was promised?

And under eye circles? You can go fuck yourself.

~ troll

ISP, yeah you know me.

Dear Internet Service Provider,

PROVIDE ME WITH SOME FUCKING INTERNET, ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ahhhhh!!!!!!  deliver my goddamn emails then go fuck yourself!!! really really hard!!!  repeatedly!!!!

super mad face, hard drive punch.

xoxoxoxoxo  FUCK YOU.

***********

The best part about this post? She couldn't publish it. Her Internet wasn't working. BAHAHA.

Ok, computer

My colleague is so lazy he doesn't inflict when he speaks. What I mean is, he sounds like a robot.

Please shut the fuck up. If what you're talking about isn't exciting enough to you to say it like you mean it, I probably don't give a fuck, either.

~ robots freak me out

Braiiinnnnnns

Sometimes when I'm out in public I am surrounded by slack jawed, strangely calm people whose eyes are glazed over.

Whether it's due to lack of sleep or methadone, I don't know, but this is happening far too often! How am I supposed to know when there's a zombie apocalypse when I'm surrounded by imposters!?

~ if this is my last post, it's because I was eaten

Opinions? Please!

People - when you formulate an opinion, it's only natural that you would think your opinion is right. Otherwise you would have a different opinion, one which would ring true to you.

An opinion is an opinion, not a fact. So get the fuck over yourself and look up the definition of 'opinion' before trying to shove it down my throat.

~ just my opinion

You're so unique, just like everybody else.

Facebook statuses now consist of crappily made 'posters' with sayings that everyone relates to.

Have an original thought, people.

I guess that's what twitter is for.

~ face punch

Hairy canary

Went to a salon.

Requested 'loose, romantic waves with some hair pinned up'.

Walked out looking like a cheap Southern Pageant Contestant with a random dread in the back from excessive teasing.

How the fuck can you call yourself a hairdresser?

~incompetence surrounds me

Punch in the crunch

If I could make rules in this ridiculous universe, I would outlaw the eating of celery in an open-concept office space, especially when one offender us to my left, the other, to my right. It's fucking celery hour in stereo.

And CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED, for GOD's SAKE!

Okay. If I made the laws of the universe, I would actually make celery not crunch so loud. And it would taste like candy. But that's beside the fact.

~ work would be more bearable if you weren't here

Family Matters

The way I differentiate between horizontal and vertical is to summon Steve Erkle.

He called sex the 'horizontal polka' and it stuck.

So, whenever I am working with vertical and horizontal measurements, which is quite often, I imagine two people bumping uglies.

~ Just sayin'

A hip hop, a hip to the hibby..

Hipster : [hip-ster]
noun Slang.
dfn. A person who spends too much money trying to look poor

~those glasses make you look like a douchebag. The fact that they match your girlfriend's glasses is proof.

Note to self

Do not google image search 'face transplants' as your bedtime story.

Modern science is the shizzle, but I didn't need to see that.

~ this is why I'm a sketchbag

Sketchbag ally

So, that lame ass moment just happened to me.

You know.

The moment when you flail your arms in panic to remove the HUGE bug from your arm, to realize that the bug is just the sleeve of your sweater and your open concept office space just served to be a stage for your dumbassery.

I think they think I'm stoned, so they may still consider me to be cool.

~ master flailer. No really. I am. You should see these arms helicopter.

Grow up and get the fuck out pt 3

To my 24 year old coworker who still lives with his parents:

The fact that you are redecorating your bedroom does not qualify as a renovation worthy of sharing around the water cooler.

You should not share it with pride, you should be ashamed. And sharing how you convinced your mom to let you 'renovate' makes me ashamed to know you.

~ judgmental judy

Grow up and get the fuck out pt 2

My previous post speaks to the ridiculousness of a 24 year old whining about living at home while working in his career and being paid well.

Dude. You disposable income is not something you should be proud of. It shows me that you're a pussy who needs mommy to tuck you in at night.

Those of us who live in the real world would happily do without you bringing in the bounty of your purchases every day to show us all the new, pointless shit you bought as you used retail therapy to make up for the fact that you're a socially inept momma's boy who no one wants to be around.

Get an apartment and get a hobby that requires more talent than carrying bags and paying cash.

~ Thanks for showing me your bracelet THREE FUCKING TIMES TODAY

Grow up and get out.

Listening to a 24 year old boy whine and complain about how his mommy gets him in trouble more than his little brother makes me wonder how the fuck he is able to tie his own shoes.

If only independence was a more important status symbol than money and shopping is.

Grow the fuck up and support yourself! Get an apartment, and get a motherfucking clue.

~ I should've taken Childhood Education, because I work with children.