Ok, computer

My colleague is so lazy he doesn't inflict when he speaks. What I mean is, he sounds like a robot.

Please shut the fuck up. If what you're talking about isn't exciting enough to you to say it like you mean it, I probably don't give a fuck, either.

~ robots freak me out

Braiiinnnnnns

Sometimes when I'm out in public I am surrounded by slack jawed, strangely calm people whose eyes are glazed over.

Whether it's due to lack of sleep or methadone, I don't know, but this is happening far too often! How am I supposed to know when there's a zombie apocalypse when I'm surrounded by imposters!?

~ if this is my last post, it's because I was eaten

Opinions? Please!

People - when you formulate an opinion, it's only natural that you would think your opinion is right. Otherwise you would have a different opinion, one which would ring true to you.

An opinion is an opinion, not a fact. So get the fuck over yourself and look up the definition of 'opinion' before trying to shove it down my throat.

~ just my opinion

You're so unique, just like everybody else.

Facebook statuses now consist of crappily made 'posters' with sayings that everyone relates to.

Have an original thought, people.

I guess that's what twitter is for.

~ face punch

Hairy canary

Went to a salon.

Requested 'loose, romantic waves with some hair pinned up'.

Walked out looking like a cheap Southern Pageant Contestant with a random dread in the back from excessive teasing.

How the fuck can you call yourself a hairdresser?

~incompetence surrounds me

Punch in the crunch

If I could make rules in this ridiculous universe, I would outlaw the eating of celery in an open-concept office space, especially when one offender us to my left, the other, to my right. It's fucking celery hour in stereo.

And CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED, for GOD's SAKE!

Okay. If I made the laws of the universe, I would actually make celery not crunch so loud. And it would taste like candy. But that's beside the fact.

~ work would be more bearable if you weren't here

Family Matters

The way I differentiate between horizontal and vertical is to summon Steve Erkle.

He called sex the 'horizontal polka' and it stuck.

So, whenever I am working with vertical and horizontal measurements, which is quite often, I imagine two people bumping uglies.

~ Just sayin'