MANNERS!

Cover your goddamned mouth when you cough!

Seriously!

That one is such a germaphobe she doesn't carry cash - only uses credit! And she just coughs into the air like a heathen! Wtf!

~ colour me disgusted

What would Jesus do?

Imagine - it's your day off and you've been looking forward to sleeping in all week.

Your dude has to work, and has the "endearing" hit-the-snooze-button-for-an-hour malfunction.

You FINALLY drift back to sleep, only to be woken up, 20 minutes later to a startling POUNDING on your front door.

You ignore it.

More POUNDING.

Zzzzzzz

MORE POUNDING.

Confused, and a little panicked, you shuffle, braless, to the front door, where two people are peeking in.

Jesus people.

Jesus, PEOPLE!

"How are you this morning, ma'am?"

"Well, I WAS SLEEPING."

Fuck.

I'm UP.

~fuck, shit, piss, goddamned mother fucker

Guilty conscience

I wrote a post about throwing my budgie at the wall.

And then he died.

Fucking karma.

Once you pop, you can't stop.

Jesus. It is not, for a second, ever, under any circumstances, okay to spend any, especially prolonged, periods of time POPPING YOUR PIMPLES IN AN OPEN CONCEPT OFFICE!

WHAT US WRONG WITH YOU?!

I DON'T NEED TO SEE THAT!

~ zit remedy

Bad face day

What the fuck, face?

Why you gotta be looking' all gnarly and shit?

(I totally sounded like a gangsta there, didn't I?)

But seriously. The 'sunscreen for face' I applied to protect my fair skin from wrinkles resulted in a face so shiny, it looks like "I wash my face... With chocolate bars."

And hair? You're a fucking bastard. Hellooooooo. I just spent $75 on a hair cut and shampoo and conditioner. Where's that glossy mane I was promised?

And under eye circles? You can go fuck yourself.

~ troll

ISP, yeah you know me.

Dear Internet Service Provider,

PROVIDE ME WITH SOME FUCKING INTERNET, ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ahhhhh!!!!!!  deliver my goddamn emails then go fuck yourself!!! really really hard!!!  repeatedly!!!!

super mad face, hard drive punch.

xoxoxoxoxo  FUCK YOU.

***********

The best part about this post? She couldn't publish it. Her Internet wasn't working. BAHAHA.

Ok, computer

My colleague is so lazy he doesn't inflict when he speaks. What I mean is, he sounds like a robot.

Please shut the fuck up. If what you're talking about isn't exciting enough to you to say it like you mean it, I probably don't give a fuck, either.

~ robots freak me out

Braiiinnnnnns

Sometimes when I'm out in public I am surrounded by slack jawed, strangely calm people whose eyes are glazed over.

Whether it's due to lack of sleep or methadone, I don't know, but this is happening far too often! How am I supposed to know when there's a zombie apocalypse when I'm surrounded by imposters!?

~ if this is my last post, it's because I was eaten

Opinions? Please!

People - when you formulate an opinion, it's only natural that you would think your opinion is right. Otherwise you would have a different opinion, one which would ring true to you.

An opinion is an opinion, not a fact. So get the fuck over yourself and look up the definition of 'opinion' before trying to shove it down my throat.

~ just my opinion

You're so unique, just like everybody else.

Facebook statuses now consist of crappily made 'posters' with sayings that everyone relates to.

Have an original thought, people.

I guess that's what twitter is for.

~ face punch

Hairy canary

Went to a salon.

Requested 'loose, romantic waves with some hair pinned up'.

Walked out looking like a cheap Southern Pageant Contestant with a random dread in the back from excessive teasing.

How the fuck can you call yourself a hairdresser?

~incompetence surrounds me

Punch in the crunch

If I could make rules in this ridiculous universe, I would outlaw the eating of celery in an open-concept office space, especially when one offender us to my left, the other, to my right. It's fucking celery hour in stereo.

And CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH CLOSED, for GOD's SAKE!

Okay. If I made the laws of the universe, I would actually make celery not crunch so loud. And it would taste like candy. But that's beside the fact.

~ work would be more bearable if you weren't here

Family Matters

The way I differentiate between horizontal and vertical is to summon Steve Erkle.

He called sex the 'horizontal polka' and it stuck.

So, whenever I am working with vertical and horizontal measurements, which is quite often, I imagine two people bumping uglies.

~ Just sayin'

A hip hop, a hip to the hibby..

Hipster : [hip-ster]
noun Slang.
dfn. A person who spends too much money trying to look poor

~those glasses make you look like a douchebag. The fact that they match your girlfriend's glasses is proof.

Note to self

Do not google image search 'face transplants' as your bedtime story.

Modern science is the shizzle, but I didn't need to see that.

~ this is why I'm a sketchbag

Sketchbag ally

So, that lame ass moment just happened to me.

You know.

The moment when you flail your arms in panic to remove the HUGE bug from your arm, to realize that the bug is just the sleeve of your sweater and your open concept office space just served to be a stage for your dumbassery.

I think they think I'm stoned, so they may still consider me to be cool.

~ master flailer. No really. I am. You should see these arms helicopter.

Grow up and get the fuck out pt 3

To my 24 year old coworker who still lives with his parents:

The fact that you are redecorating your bedroom does not qualify as a renovation worthy of sharing around the water cooler.

You should not share it with pride, you should be ashamed. And sharing how you convinced your mom to let you 'renovate' makes me ashamed to know you.

~ judgmental judy

Grow up and get the fuck out pt 2

My previous post speaks to the ridiculousness of a 24 year old whining about living at home while working in his career and being paid well.

Dude. You disposable income is not something you should be proud of. It shows me that you're a pussy who needs mommy to tuck you in at night.

Those of us who live in the real world would happily do without you bringing in the bounty of your purchases every day to show us all the new, pointless shit you bought as you used retail therapy to make up for the fact that you're a socially inept momma's boy who no one wants to be around.

Get an apartment and get a hobby that requires more talent than carrying bags and paying cash.

~ Thanks for showing me your bracelet THREE FUCKING TIMES TODAY

Grow up and get out.

Listening to a 24 year old boy whine and complain about how his mommy gets him in trouble more than his little brother makes me wonder how the fuck he is able to tie his own shoes.

If only independence was a more important status symbol than money and shopping is.

Grow the fuck up and support yourself! Get an apartment, and get a motherfucking clue.

~ I should've taken Childhood Education, because I work with children.

Amnesiatic spree

My fiancé is awesome, but his memory? Not so much.

We decided that in order to help him remember things, we'd put a list on the fridge with reminders on it. I don't have a pad of paper with a magnet on it, so he said he'd put a magnet on one for me.

Trouble is, without the magnet, there's no pad of paper on the fridge reminding him that he needs to put a magnet on a pad so I can remind him of things he needs to remember. So he can't remember he needs to do it

~ first world problems

Shut the duck up

At first I thought it was hilarious when ducks fancied my neighbour's pool as their new swimming hole.

Now it's bedtime and those fuckers won't stop quacking.

~ I need a bb gun

A lesson in English

Please stop referring to it as 'maternal leave'.

You're a dude.

It's 'parental leave', douchebag.

Please go fuck yourself.

~ parents are effed.

Life

The fact that cigarettes and food can't be consumed in reckless abandon is some kind of cruel joke.

~ thank god for sex

Food for thought

I know a watched pot doesn't boil, but this is ridiculous.

~ hungry, hungry hippo

Remember, wear sunscreen

Glass half empty: my new sunscreen makes me look like I've come down with a fever and the cold sweats

Glass half full: SICK DAY TOMORROW!

~ melanoma is whack, yo

Oops I did it again

I thought setting my alarm clock to play Britney Spears in the morning would bring a cheery disposition to my day.

Instead, now, upon hearing Britney in my daily life, I have to resist the urge to turn over and smack the person beside me.

~ hit me, baby, one more time

Flash dance

Dear coat;

As I strutted down a busy street I was all "DAMN, GIRL, you're looking fine" when two cars honked at me.

Imagine my horror upon looking down at my sexy self to realize that, unbeknownst to me, my coat was lifting my skirt with every step as an early-evening strip-tease.

What the fuck did I ever do to you, COAT?

~ Just call me Sweet Cheeks

Out of the closet

My clothes are the biggest assholes, ever. Why do they hide on me? Every morning I spend a discombobulated 15 minutes scrounging around in my closet looking for my brown pants or my pinstriped skirt.

All of my clothes fucking hide!

So then, when I finally settle on a compromise, I later enter my room to discover all of the offending articles chillin' on the hangers like they were there all the damn time.

No wonder I look like I got dressed in the dark, daily.

~coulda been sleeping

Legalina

I'm still being haunted by Angelina's leg at the Oscar's. I guess even pompous, skeleton, home-wreckers have self esteem issues.

~ Look at me! Look at me!

Vag-a-phobia

Unless I go out of my way to ask you: please do not share tales of your vagina splitting open during labour. No one wants to hear about your episiotomy; I shouldn't even know what that word means.

This applies particularly during family dinners with newly sperm-poisoned moms-to-be. And dudes.

Find a filter, douchebag.

~keeping my legs clamped shut

Baby Facebook

Babies are cute.

Some of us would even like one some day.

But posting about sucking snot out of your child's nose, the viscosity of their bowel movements or the state of your nipples is just not what I need to read as I peruse Facebook. People who I used to consider intelligent become socially inept over-sharers.

Thank you for ruining my creepathon, and my appetite. Not to mention my desire to procreate.

Do you really think I need to know about how cute your child is while vomiting in the back seat of your car?

Let me save you thousands in counseling: Keep that shit to yourself and you'll be able to integrate with the rest if us like a normal human being.

~Ga-Ga-Goo-Ga

Strategy of I-do-not-give-a-fuck

When you sit and play 'Draw Something' on your iPhone, don't think that my tolerance for socially unacceptable behavior is an indicator that I'm interested in brainstorming strategic game play.

~ you ruined my delicious lunch, asshole

Lunch time

When you ask me to have lunch with you and spend it playing 'Draw Something' on your iPhone, you are giving me permission to punch you in the penis.

Please, go fuck yourself.

Quitting is a nightmare

Screw cold turkey. I switched to the patch. Last night I experienced the vivid nightmares that are a side effect of the patch. I've been watching too much of the Walking Dead lately.

Happy to wake up to see my dude doesn't have a huge hole in his stomach. Poor Dale.

~ I should write horror movies

Bad luck

I have broken two mirrors in the past 48 hours. Does this mean 14 years of bad luck?

~ Still-working-off-the-mirror-I-broke-four-years-ago

Happy as a clam? I provide you some Prozak.

~my sentiments, exactly

Happy endings

Call me a prude, but is it really fucking appropriate to be giving coworkers massages at work?

Maybe in the case of chronic pain or something, but just for the hell of it?

~ if I were your boss, I would find a way to fire you

Let there be light!

Dear Faiblog;

 Thank you for making life more bearable by sharing this gem:

 

 We're allowed to like things, sometimes!

 ~ Gotta get down on Friday

Crotchety

So far, the only really good thing about not smoking is the fact that I can finally just come out with exactly how I feel about the dumbasses surrounding me and people say "good for you" and buy me presents.

How long does this give me license to be frank, without being considered a bitch?

Stay tuned and we'll see.

~ enlightened one

'Tis the season

First!!!

What is WITH people who excitedly write "FIRST" when they are, or feel that they could be, the first to post a comment on a popular blog post?

What are you, 5?

Do you even read the posts before frantically scrolling to the bottom to write "FIRST!! Me!!! I posted first!!!"?

There is something disconcerting about the fact that this is something people so desperately seek to achieve, and that they are so eager to celebrate it with others! What an accomplishment! You winner, you.

The best is when someone happily chants "WOAH! I'm FIRST!! ME! I DID IT" and they're like...the 12th comment.

Please, get a hobby or some interests beyond trolling through the Internet hoping to leave an impression by being the FIRST to comment. Also, please go fuck yourself.

~ LAST!!!!

They are referred to as privates for a reason

Just because you have a vagina and I also have a vagina, does not mean I want to hear about your vagina.

Unless it's hilariously embarrassing. Perhaps there can be small exceptions.

~ coochie coo

What the butt!?

When quitting smoking:

WHY DID I NOT KNOW THAT QUITTING SMOKING SLOWS DOWN YOUR METABOLISM?

Why do people feel it is helpful to ask how life without cigarettes is going, over and over? HOW ABOUT I RIP OFF YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ARM AND REMIND YOU OF YOUR LOSS EVERY TEN MINUTES?

Why do non-smokers think it's helpful to insult you? "Smoking is so stupid! Your teeth were yellow, and man, you smelled disgusting! It made you look so trashy!" THAT WAS 6 DAYS AGO, ASSHOLE.

~ trying-not-to-kill-people-in-order-to-protect-the-gene-pool

Mary, Mary, quite contrary.

What is it about contrary people?

Me: the sky is blue today
Mary: actually, it's more of an aqua tone, with a hint of robin's egg and a touch of cornflower.

Please go fuck yourself.

~ Actually-your-face-is-stupid

Dear Internet; Thank you for being so full of crap and useless junk, it took last-resorting to creepy ex-boyfriend wall-post history creeping to find this:

After an HOUR.

I think you might know what I suggest you do to yourself. And I'm not saying 'please'.

 

Splitscreen: A Love Story from James W Griffiths on Vimeo.

Song of right now:

Fuck you - by Lily Allen

Dear budgie,

If you continue to sing that way, I am going to pick you up and throw you against the wall.

It may be the lack of nicotine talking, but I don't know that I'm still a pet person.

Please go fuck yourself.

~Birdbrain

Dear internet,
Why you gotta make it so hard to open a goddamn email and blogger account? No, I will not type in your secret code words.  Maybe I am a robot. Maybe spam is totally my favourite. Maybe I just want to search for antique teacups or elephant porn.  Basically, I do not have the time nor inclination to brush up on my Aramaic and Hyleriogrhipics (fuck you too, spelling -- I hear you don't need that to fit in on the internet anyway), in order to open a goddamn kittensandpuppieshugging@hotmail.com email address.

Please go fuck yourself.

~MBP